My family has moved to another city in Arizona to get a fresh start and try to get back to "normal" but nothing feels normal to me. My husband and I take are son to the zoo and the aquarium out hear and when we do fun family things i catch myself thinking I wonder how my little emily would have reacted to this? Or I wonder what she would look like now... Their are so many what it's and I wonder in my head everyday, not a day go's by where i don't think of her and miss her more everyday... I think on of the hardest parts about everything happening is my son is 4 and he remembers his sister and he hates being an only child, He askes all the time when are we going to have another baby? and I miss emmy i wish i could go see her... one of the hardest things that i have herd him say was me asking him if we do have another baby what do you want this time a boy or a girl? He told me he wants a bother this time so he won't turn into an angel... It breaks my heart that my son will not get to know his little sister... He would have been the best big brother ever...
I see my husband struggle all the time, I wish he would vent more to me and let me know how he is feeling. The topic of having another baby has come up a few times because Im a mom and i love baby's! Yes it's extremely scary to think it could happen again, Im not sure how i would handle if i did... but I don't want to live in fear knowing im a great mommy and my husband is a amazing daddy and are son wants another sibling, when we talk about it he gets scared and say's all of the what if's and I try to explain to him sometimes it's just more than that.... My husband has always worked alot and at the time he was working nights and didn't get to spend much time with are little girl in that short 7 weeks we had... He only has a few pictures of him and her and it's hard for him to know that. I make millions of pictures of him and my son now because he lives in fear that something could happen to him as well.
I myself find it hard to sleep at night still... I worry to much and i know that but it makes me feel better... If I wake up in the night i check on my son to see if he is breathing... I have had so many people tell me that it's not healthy and you know what I really don't care It makes me feel better and that's all that matters.... I know that if me and my husband do decide to have another baby it will be hard because i feel like i will be a million more times scared and checking on the new baby all the time... I don't understand why their has to be a think called SIDS i just don't understand how they don't know what causes this yet it drives me crazy... I want to know what happened, I want to know that my baby passed away without pain. I hope that someday before i pass that SIDS can be discovered more clearly and give parents and idea of what happened to their sweat little angels. - Man i just love to ramble sometimes sorry if it's so long I just pour myself onto this page because i don't have friends anymore and my family can't understand what Im going threw all i get from them is "GOD will guide you" and it's not what i want to hear....
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