My after story and how things are now i suppose...

My family has moved to another city in Arizona to get a fresh start and try to get back to "normal" but nothing feels normal to me. My husband and I take are son to the zoo and the aquarium out hear and when we do fun family things i catch myself thinking I wonder how my little emily would have reacted to this? Or I wonder what she would look like now... Their are so many what it's and I wonder in my head everyday, not a day go's by where i don't think of her and miss her more everyday... I think on of the hardest parts about everything happening is my son is 4 and he remembers his sister and he hates being an only child, He askes all the time when are we going to have another baby? and I miss emmy i wish i could go see her... one of the hardest things that i have herd him say was me asking him if we do have another baby what do you want this time a boy or a girl? He told me he wants a bother this time so he won't turn into an angel... It breaks my heart that my son will not get to know his little sister... He would have been the best big brother ever...

I see my husband struggle all the time, I wish he would vent more to me and let me know how he is feeling. The topic of having another baby has come up a few times because Im a mom and i love baby's! Yes it's extremely scary to think it could happen again, Im not sure how i would handle if i did... but I don't want to live in fear knowing im a great mommy and my husband is a amazing daddy and are son wants another sibling, when we talk about it he gets scared and say's all of the what if's and I try to explain to him sometimes it's just more than that.... My husband has always worked alot and at the time he was working nights and didn't get to spend much time with are little girl in that short 7 weeks we had... He only has a few pictures of him and her and it's hard for him to know that. I make millions of pictures of him and my son now because he lives in fear that something could happen to him as well.

I myself find it hard to sleep at night still... I worry to much and i know that but it makes me feel better... If I wake up in the night i check on my son to see if he is breathing... I have had so many people tell me that it's not healthy and you know what I really don't care It makes me feel better and that's all that matters.... I know that if me and my husband do decide to have another baby it will be hard because i feel like i will be a million more times scared and checking on the new baby all the time... I don't understand why their has to be a think called SIDS i just don't understand how they don't know what causes this yet it drives me crazy... I want to know what happened, I want to know that my baby passed away without pain. I hope that someday before i pass that SIDS can be discovered more clearly and give parents and idea of what happened to their sweat little angels. - Man i just love to ramble sometimes sorry if it's so long I just pour myself onto this page because i don't have friends anymore and my family can't understand what Im going threw all i get from them is "GOD will guide you" and it's not what i want to hear....

My story

Im not even sure how to start this so im just going to start from the beginning....

In 2010 my husband james and i had are first son Jacob we couldn't have been more happy he was born with twisted testicles and had to have surgery to fix this and doing so they removed one that had died from lack of blood flow... His testicle to this day is the size of a pea and he might not be able to have kids... This makes me sad because I love him but someday he will find the right person who won't care. to get back on track we had jacob in 2010 and in 2012 we decided we wanted to have another baby we were in a good point in are life to try... we tried for a year and decided to stop trying and just go with the flow if it happened it would and just as we did that i had lost my job and decided it was time for a big move to Arizona from washington. When we packed all of are stuff i was getting frustrated knowing that I was going to be on my period during this big move and be cranky driving so far.. well on this trip it was early Feb when we drove and i noticed i never started my period but sometimes it's late so i didn't really think about it... but it was in the back of my mind.... On December 13th the day before valentines day i decided to go get a test... I wanted to take it then but decided morning pee was the best so on valentines day morning i decided i was going to wake up early and take it before my husband woke up because he wanted me to wait another week... me being spoiled i thought no way we don't even have jobs yet pee'd on the stick and it came out positive i was soooo excited i couldn't believe what i saw... i ran into the bedroom and woke up my husband and said i hope your ready to be a daddy again and he said what? your joking right and i said nope and showed him... he didn't want to believe me but it was true so i made a doctors apt to confirm it and it also came out positive... so their we were pregnant no jobs and a fresh new apartment my husband got a job right away and i decided i was just going to take it easy and be a stay at home mommy.... we went to all of are doctors appointments and man this baby did not want us to know what the gender was! after like 5 different months of trying i finally found out i was having a baby girl! i was around 8 months pregnant at that point... it was so rare to have a girl in my family im the only girl out of 4 boys and my husband has all boys in his family as well.... i was so excited!!!! I gave birth so my sweet little Emily anne  on October 19th she was 9pounds 5 ounces she was beautiful we had the perfect family one boy and one girl.... I tried to get my tubes tied but because i was only 21 with 2 kids they refused.... I got to spend a very short 7 weeks with my little girl before she passed... On December 6th 2012 was my mother in laws birthday we went over to her house for the day so she could spend the day with her grand-baby's! my little girl was the most beautiful girl you could imagine i put her in a little cute pink dress with a bow i took lots of pictures that day... and we had a great day I then went home and my husband got called into work for the night so we took him in and we went home... i put jacob to bed in are room it was super late around midnight because i made a facebook post saying man emily is just so fussy and im so tired from today going to bed... well that is what we did emily had been so fussy that night and i was just so tired i decided i was going to Brest feed her to make her go to sleep because that usually did that trick..... I was so happy she had finally calmed down... I woke up at around 2am because i had to go to the bathroom... and found blood on my shoulder where my daughter was laying i jumped up with her and flicked the light on and she was not breathing.... i called 911 as fast as i could and began to give her CPR tell the ambulance got their... i was only wearing a sports bra and shorts when they came in.... i didn't care all i could think of was my baby i was so freaked out and crying thinking what why why could this happen to me they got her all hooked up and said to follow them to the er so i got dresses super fast and got my son in the car and drove to the hospital.... my husband was at work and at the time we didn't have cell phone so i didn't have a way to get ahold of him but the hospital called his work and luckily they got ahold of him and he got rushed up to the hospital he thought something had happened to me... when he got their he was freaked out asking what had happened and i told him and he broke down we watched the doctors give her crp what seemed forever they couldnt' get her to come back they told us after a certain point that they had to stop and if they somehow did bring her back she would have so much brain damage it would be a really sad life for her... I held my baby for a few more minutes kissing her knowing this would be that last time i would get to hold her and kiss her... I didn't know why "god " could take my baby girl from me and still to this day i don't know how.. I miss her more than anything... I would give my own life so she could have had one... It's been awhile now and the pain still has not gone away, I used to tell myself that it's better to have loved than to never have loved at all and I still agree to it, but it's so hard living day to day seeing my son play and say I miss my emmy when is she coming back.